Tuesday, May 29, 2012


Salam all,
Menyusuri ER Hospital Seberang Jaya cukup satu minggu usai pemergian bapa benar2 menyentuh hati kecilku. Ada hikmahnya aku tiada di sini di saat bapa sedang bergelut dengan sakratul mautnya pada 20hb Mei yang lalu kerana jika tidak pasti setiap kejadian akan mengimbau kembali dalam ingatanku. Pun begitu aku masih tetap dapat membayangkan keadaan itu.
Pemergian bapak kami redhai. Pun begitu rindu kami tidak terbendung. Setiap detik bersama masib dapat dimainkan kembali seperti 'reel' filem yang diputar kembali.
Baru kini aku tahu akan makna 'tabah' dan 'sabar' menghadapi dugaan kematian ini. Perit rupanya bila orang tersayang meninggalkan kita. Jika ini yang dirasa anak2, bagaimana pula ibuku, isteri yang telah 55 tahun hidup bersama mengharungi suka duka bersama. Berkongsi kegembiraan dan kesedihan. Teman bual bicara di kala kesunyian. Aku berdoa kepadaMu ya Allah agar kau tabahkan hati emak yang lewat 3 tahun ini menjaga Bapak seperti anak kecilnya yang sentiasa perlukan perhatian.
Berjasa ketika ada, gembirakan mereka ketika mereka masih mampu menghargainya. Wang ringgit dan masa jangan pernah dijadikan halangan.
Semoga Allah memberkati Bapak dan meletakannya dalam kalangan hambaNya yang beriman.
*note: aku di ER kerana membawa Sabrina yg diserang asma ketika di kampung.

dr marina ismail

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Updating via mobile

Salam all,
This is just a trial session. Trying out this new (to me) feature that is to update through mobile. I used the go@blogger.com. I registeted through the blogger and send my updates by emailing it to the go@blogger.com. Photos can easily be included as attachment. The only drawback is that I do not know how to adjust the photos placement and unable to use variety of typeface style.
Include is a photo of two best friends known as the red and black.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Segunung al-Fatihah untuk Bapak

Salam all,

Mood: Melancholy, Grieving, Mourning

Bapak, I am going to miss you so much.
23/12/1933 - 20/5/2012

Sunday, as early as 4.36am (as recorded on my handphone), I receive a call from Mak. "Ina, Bapak sakit sangat ni. Nak bawak ke hospital ke?", was Mak's question. I jumped into a sitting position from my drowsiness. I immediately agreed to Mak's suggestion. At the background I can clearly listened to Bapak's voice, "Pi pi lah (pergi je lah)" not knowingly that it was the last time the voice will ever reaches my ear drums. How I wish I could record the voice and keep it save in my heart to be played over and over when I miss him.

It was not the first time Bapak was admitted to the hospital and the last one was in March 2012 in Trengganu. I was telling myself that I would have enough time to visit Bapak when I go back to kampung this weekend for school holiday. At 7.32am before leaving for the fish market to get some stocks for the week, I called Mak asking for Bapak's condition. Mak calmly told me that Bapak was still in ER, the doctors will do the ECG soon. It does not sound anything urgent so I head to the market. After breakfast, I received another call from Mak, Mak was asking for my opinion. The doctors wanted to do an intubation on Bapak, the liquid in his body need to be drained as there are excessive liquid in the body (as a result of a poor kidney operation and weak heart). I told Mak to go ahead with the procedure as that will be the best for him at that time.

After that call, I started to feel uneasy. I told my husband that I must go and see Bapak. My husband agreed and agreed to drive us all home that morning. We thought of only a day trip, but we prepared some clothes just in case we need to stay longer at kampung. At 10.30am, we were already on the highway after stopping by at petrol station for some refuelling when I receive another call from mak. This time, no longer the calm voice from mak, in between weepings, Mak told us to come back home quick as the doctors had decided to allow Bapak home. And this will normally mean, NOTHING CAN BE DONE. As I heard this news, we headed to the North as fast as we can leaving behind my next door niece (who is studying in UiTM Shah Alam), as I felt that no time can be wasted now.

My husband was not driving at his usual speed, he was speeding at average of 160km/h to 180km/h. Reaching somewhere near Gua Tempurung, I received another call from mak. Calmly mak told me, "Bapak dah selamat balik." My thought was, "Okay, the ambulance has sent him home safely". I only said, Alhamdulillah. Knowing that I do not understand the meaning of 'balik', mak then said, "Bapak dah kembali". Again, either I refuse to accept it or I was blinded by own feeling, I asked mak again, "Mak cakap apa ni?". Then, I bravely asked mak, "Bapak dah tah ada ke mak". And mak again, calmly said, "Bapak dah kembali kepada Allah. Bawak kereta elok-elok. Tak payah kalut-kalut, macam mana pun Bapak dah tak ada". I felt like exploding with the news. I was sobbing, no other word came out from me. I was speechless when I finally turn the receiver off. Tears rolling. flowing down the cheek unstoppable. My husband cautioned me to remember Allah, to be patient. I took a deep breath, and sob again when I suddenly realized that none of Bapak's children were there to be with him during his last breath. There are six of us, Abang was in Kelantan on duty, Kak Nah in Rawang was getting ready to go back, Abang Man was in Bangi and was still unable to be contacted, Kak Yan in Trengganu, was about to leave the house, myself on the highway tailing by little brother, Din approximately half an hour drive behind us. Where are the kids???? When Allah promised it will not delay the death for even a second, the promise is true. As I always said, do the good deed to our parents when they are alive, as when the time they will be leaving us only ALLAH knows. There will not be enough time then.

Instead of slowing down, my husband press the pedal harder wishing to be back home as soon as possible. And, Alhamdulillah, we reached home safely before 1pm that day. Rushing to see, Bapak lying down helplessly. When I remove the piece of cloth that was used to cover his face, he looked very calm. So handsome. His eyes were tightly closed. His hair was short, the beard and mustache were nicely trimmed. I asked mak, and was told that he requested to go to the barber for a nice hair cut two days earlier (he was actually too weak to go).

A recollection of stories from Mak, K.Timah (my sister in-law), Mastura (my niece), Makcik Yam (Mak's best friend) and Abg Taufiq (my cousin) who at the bedside during Bapak's last breath concluded with the following:

4.36am: Mak called me, asking for my opinion.
5am: Kak Timah & Mastura took Bapak to the hospital
7 am: Mak reached the hospital with Mastura. Doctor put Bapak on sedative to reduce his pain.
Doctor decided for intubation later on.
Bapak's blood preassure (BP)'s dropping. Instead of intubation, they proceed with suction. The liquid that was sucked out is something pinky that proofs that its a mixture of multiple body fluid. The kidney is not performing its task anymore.
10.30am: Doctor decided to let Bapak go back home because Bapak's BP keeps on dropping (not a good sign).
Apprx 11.am: Bapak reached home in an ambulance. with Mak accompany.
11.40am: Bapak blew his last breath after 2 long breath.

My last encounter with Bapak was during my last visit to kampung last week. Bapak looked so delighted to see us. He came out of the room to greet us even though it was already 11.30pm. We had breakfast and lunch happily together. When it was time to go back to Shah Alam on Sunday, I kissed Bapak's forehead not knowing that its going to be the last time I will kiss him alive.

May Allah place Bapak together with all the mukminins. Amin.
I love you Bapak .... so dearly.

Leaving the house for the last time.

The final journey.

Entering Masjid Batu for the last time, where his heart and soul lies. Instead of praying there, we perform a prayer for him.

His final destination on earth. Where we will soon be too.

As one friend wrote a comforting note to me: "...You are the priceless princess to him. You are his everlasting treasure ...". I hope I was and I hope I will always be.

My tears keep rolling down ... Ya Allah ....

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Selamat Hari Guru

Salam all,

The clock showed 13.45. I have few more minutes before office hours resume. Anyway, I worked earlier during lunch break, so why not take a short break now. And I have something to share.

I am not sure what got into me this 16th May morning. I felt very sleepy. From the moment the alarm clocks rang, to the moment I got up for solat and prepare meals for the kids, to the moment I washed myself to get ready for office, to moment I got into the car and drive to office. I felt really, superbly SLEEPY. MashaAllah ... approaching the Baiduri apartments, the traffic slowed down, slower than usual. Perhaps due to the convocation that is currently going on. At times, it was a total stop. In between the stops, I closed my eyes in brief. After few closing and opening the eyes, I was startled to see the car in front of me had moved quite far to the front. The distance was about 1 NazaRia away (Nazaria is an MPV. OK tak perumpaan ni??). Subhanallah ... I did not merely closed the eyes, but I dozed off in a blink. I

quickly drove forward. Awaken by the incident, I stayed alert till I reached the office.
As it was 8.30 am, I slowly walked towards the lecture hall. Still feeling tired and sleepy. Entering the hall, many of the students were not there yet, a quite normal scenario for an 8.30am class. I turned on the projectors, slipped my pendrive into the USB port and I could here voices whispering among them. I heard the word GURU being mentioned. Yes, I know that today is the TEACHER'S DAY. But being a lecturer, not many greeted us, even though we functioned almost similar to the teachers. And suddenly, 'SELAMAT HARI GURU!' came a shout from the students, followed by, 'SELAMAT PAGI CIKGU', in a rhythm that Upin & Ipin used to wish their teacher. I smiled. A wide smile. Suddenly, I felt so fresh and energetic. My adrenalin was pumping. I was full of energy to begin the class. Thanks dear students for the appreciation. I also receive text messages wishing me 'Happy Teacher's Day' from my ex-student. Thank you all. May Allah blessed all of you with Rahmah and Maghfirah and will remain with the mukminin.

I also would like to thank all my teachers as early as at the kindergarten (cikgu Rosnah), at Sekolah Rendah Covent Bukit Mertajam, SRK Sultan Yahya Petra Kuala Krai, Kelantan, at Methodist Girls School Brickfields Kuala Lumpur (especially to Mrs. Thanaguru who has helped me a lot), at SMKU Maahad Hamidiah Kajang, Kolej Islam Kelang, Pusat Matrikulasi UKM Seri Puteri, and lecturers in UKM and UPM who have taught me. Not forgetting my dear supervisor, Prof Dr Tengku Mohd Tengku Sembok, for patiently bear with me along my trivial journey. Where I am now is a blessing from Allah with the help of these wonderful people around me. May Allah blessed all the muslim teachers with Rahmah and Maghfirah, and for the non-Muslims, may one day the light of iman reaches you. Amin...


Monday, May 14, 2012

Quotable quotes

Salam and a very late night greetings,

The clock showed 30 minutes past midnight. Just came back from kampung for our routine visit to our parents calls for a lot of tasks to be settled before school and office tomorrow. What inspired me to update a post tonight is this quote I listened during our more or less 4 hours journey.

"Suka berangan adalah perbuatan syaitan, manakala merancang adalah perbuatan orang yang beriman"
(Daydreaming is what they devils do, while planning is the job of mukminin)

May Allah swt protect us from the syaitan whom are cursed by Allah swt.

Thinking over the quotes again gives us an intepretation, when we daydream, we are actually wasting our time. Not doing anything and hoping for miracles to happen. Whereas in Islam we were asked to plan on how we could improved ourself. things will not just come by, hardwork always pays. Only Allah knows when the reaping time is. wallahualam.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Service Time

Salam all,

'When did we last service our car?', a husband was asking his wife.
'I think it was three months ago. It's due for another service.' replied the wife.

If we take good care of a car, take it for service regularly, insyaAllah the car will be in a good condition.

Next came a question, '
When will my master send me for service? I am longing to be refreshed after stucked in the office all day long, 9-5 days a week.'

Hmmm..... I guess that must be what my body was asking. All the nerves and vein are longing for a massage - to be serviced.

And finally, today, after 10 years, I send my body for service. To be overhauled actually. There was a lady came from Medan. She initially came as a favor to a friend (my colleague). And this generous friend later brought the lady over to the office to give her service to fellow lady lecturers. It was a marvelous room service. But mind me, I had to open all windows, sprayed air freshner to remove the ordour of the oinment used during massage. To me it was wonderful. I was refreshed.

But when night came, I started to feel aching all over, especially the head. It was banging. Perhaps it is the after effect. Therefore, good night all. It's time to sooth my body after the "touch".


Saturday, May 5, 2012

Land below the wind

Date: 4 May 2012

Location: Above the sky
Wheather: very cloudy

On my way to Sandakan with Mr Hubby. To tend to some family matter. Missing my children already: Atikah, Marsya and Hakim. I should be blessed with this golden opportunity for a 'honeymoon' however I am already longing for their presence even before arriving the destination.
Missing their shouts calling for ibu. Missing having to call their names for so mamy diffferent reasons. I missed all of you dearly.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Nesan Abah

Salam all,

It was one year ago on this day when Abah endured the last breath. Everything came flowing in my mind exactly how it happened.

That Friday evening, 29th April, my children, Nisa, my niece and me when back to 'kampung' on train for Faris, my nephew's wedding ceremony. My husband could not come along as he had to go to the company's team building in Port Dickson. To my kids it was a wonderful experience to sleep on the train. Arriving Butterworth train station that morning, my brother was there to fetch us. Unknowingly, i felt as though I sprained my toe as I found difficulty in walking. But I am in high spirit to attend the wedding. However, during the ceremony the pain worsened.

After the ceremony, I went to see a doctor whom suggested that it could be a GOUT. What!!!! I could not believe it. I was only given the pain killer as the only way to verify whether it is a gout is through a blood test. And as I was not a resident there, doctor advised me to do it at my place. The pain is almost unbearable. I could not even put on my shoe, the toe was swelling. A light pressure on it causes a great a pain and I was suppose to drive to Sg Petani that evening to visit my in-laws!!! Ohhh ....

I was contemplating whether to go or not to go. I eventually decided to go to Sg Petani. I persuaded Maisarah, my other niece to drive us there and stay overnight there. I promised her to come back to my mother's the next day, and Alhamdulillah after much persuasion, she agreed.

We started off right after the Maghrib prayer. As we start our journey, I made Atikah called Mak Tok of our arrival. Mak tok inform us that Pak Uda & family, my brother in law was there and they will wait for us for dinner. It is suppose to take us 25 minutes to reach my in laws. Gosh! Entering the highway there was a massive traffic jam. We were restless wondering when we will arrive. Alhamdullilah, at almost 9.30pm we safely arrive at Mak Tok's.

As we entered the house, Pak Uda & family have already had their dinner. It's OK. They were getting ready to go back to their house which will take almost 30 minutes drive, that is in Guar Perahu, Bukit Mertajam. We salute Mak Tok and asked for Tok Wan (Abah). Abah was already in the bedroom. It seems that he was too tired to sit and walk about. He was even on the wheelchair a day earlier. Even though abah was already in bed, Mak tok made us entered the room to greet Tok Wan (Abah) especially because Atikah has not seen Tok wan for quite some time since she was staying in the hostel. We entered the room shocking to see Tok Wan lying there helplessly. Obviously he was not sleeping but it troubled him to even open his eyes. He put a lazy smile on his face when he saw his grand children. A bigger smile when he saw Atikah, he greeted me and made an effort to ask for bapak's (my father) condition. He then asked for another one of his medicine that he used to take whenever he felt the chest pain. And it seems that he has been taking that countlessly that day. He was in GREAT PAIN. And he was on fever too. I asked whether he wants to go to the hospital, he shook his head helplessly. I was worried. I cautioned Mak (my mother in law) and Nan (my brother in-law) of abah's condition. We promised to persuade him to go to the hospital again the next morning. Looking how worriying abah's condition was, Nan decided to stay for another night and mak decided to call Azali (my the other brother in law who was at his in law's) to come back. And myself, quickly texted my husband to update the situation to him and later went to bed while still in pain.

The next morning, after having breakfast with mak, at about 7.40pm, Mak and me went to see abah, to check on him and to feed him. Mak asked me to feed abah the fried rice that mak made for breakfast. Abah had only two spoonful and declined for more. I later see him taking his medicine. Some went through, some was thrown out. And he asked for more medicine for his chest pain. He was having a heart attack again and again. I pitied him. And I cant bear seeing him in this great pain. I try to softly talked him onto going to the hospital but he shrugged off. We left him to take a rest. Abah's situation is worrying. Earlier in the morning, I called my husband, updating him again when there was no reply from him over my earlier message. It seems that he was sleeping during that time and missed the text. He promised to hurriedly come back after the team building program.

At about 9am, while we were seated at the living room watching the morning TV show, I asked Mak, how is abah doing? Mak entered the room to checked on abah. Suddenly, there was a loud cry, "Ina, abah jatuh!!!', I ran into the room and saw abah helplessly lying on the floor. With my pain toe, I cant really help mak to carry abah. I summoned Nan, who was having breakfast, of the situation. He hurriedly went into the room, and together with mak, they managed to carry abah onto the bed. Abah was unconcious. Everybody was panicked. I called my husband, alarming him of the situation, he asked us to recite the Yassin, quranic verses. I gathered the kids to quickly form a team to recite the surah, while I was beside abah, all the time trying to help him to regain concious, trying to check for his pulse, and saying the syahadah to his ears. Everybody was already in tears at that time. Mak told me to called Mak Nun, the aunt who lives nearby. She later get her son to call a doctor. A doctor came shortly after, and promounced that ABAH WAS NO LONGER WITH US. HE WAS ON HIS WAY TO SEE HIS GOD. ALLAH SWT.

It was a silence, everybody was shocked. Atikah was crying, so did the other grand children. Never had they witnessed a death and this time it was the LAST BREATH of someone whom they loved dearly. As the doctor confirmed the death, I called my husband again. He agreed to fly back as soon as possible. Slowly the house filled with crowds of relatives, friends and neighbours. The children of Cikgu Azmi arriving one after another. At about 4pm, my husband arrived, still clad in his team building uniform. He tried to look calm, but I know he was crying inside. He performed his last duty to his beloved Abah, he bathed him for the last time. Wiping the fragile body slowly, carefully with full of love. He then, placed the body softly to prepare for kafan. One by one the children came to pay for the last respect, kissing his forehead for the last time. Followed by the grand children. It was a sad moment. A moment that we wish it will never happen. But the rule of life is not to be denied. No human life will stay forever. Everybody must go. No matter whether you are ready or not. No matter whether you are being loved or otherwise.

Abah was laid to rest peacefully after the Asr prayer. Cikgu Azmi was no longer with us. A reality that we must face. Abah has left us forever. It was on this day, one year ago.

Muslim readers, I am begging you to please recite Al-Fatihah for my kind and loving father in law. I only known him for 16 years, but he was sure a role model. An obedient and responsible son, a good husband and a firm and caring father who has brought the children into a good human being.

Al-Fatihah to Abah.