Mood: Melancholy, Grieving, Mourning
Bapak, I am going to miss you so much.
23/12/1933 - 20/5/2012
Sunday, as early as 4.36am (as recorded on my handphone), I receive a call from Mak. "Ina, Bapak sakit sangat ni. Nak bawak ke hospital ke?", was Mak's question. I jumped into a sitting position from my drowsiness. I immediately agreed to Mak's suggestion. At the background I can clearly listened to Bapak's voice, "Pi pi lah (pergi je lah)" not knowingly that it was the last time the voice will ever reaches my ear drums. How I wish I could record the voice and keep it save in my heart to be played over and over when I miss him.
It was not the first time Bapak was admitted to the hospital and the last one was in March 2012 in Trengganu. I was telling myself that I would have enough time to visit Bapak when I go back to kampung this weekend for school holiday. At 7.32am before leaving for the fish market to get some stocks for the week, I called Mak asking for Bapak's condition. Mak calmly told me that Bapak was still in ER, the doctors will do the ECG soon. It does not sound anything urgent so I head to the market. After breakfast, I received another call from Mak, Mak was asking for my opinion. The doctors wanted to do an intubation on Bapak, the liquid in his body need to be drained as there are excessive liquid in the body (as a result of a poor kidney operation and weak heart). I told Mak to go ahead with the procedure as that will be the best for him at that time.
After that call, I started to feel uneasy. I told my husband that I must go and see Bapak. My husband agreed and agreed to drive us all home that morning. We thought of only a day trip, but we prepared some clothes just in case we need to stay longer at kampung. At 10.30am, we were already on the highway after stopping by at petrol station for some refuelling when I receive another call from mak. This time, no longer the calm voice from mak, in between weepings, Mak told us to come back home quick as the doctors had decided to allow Bapak home. And this will normally mean, NOTHING CAN BE DONE. As I heard this news, we headed to the North as fast as we can leaving behind my next door niece (who is studying in UiTM Shah Alam), as I felt that no time can be wasted now.
My husband was not driving at his usual speed, he was speeding at average of 160km/h to 180km/h. Reaching somewhere near Gua Tempurung, I received another call from mak. Calmly mak told me, "Bapak dah selamat balik." My thought was, "Okay, the ambulance has sent him home safely". I only said, Alhamdulillah. Knowing that I do not understand the meaning of 'balik', mak then said, "Bapak dah kembali". Again, either I refuse to accept it or I was blinded by own feeling, I asked mak again, "Mak cakap apa ni?". Then, I bravely asked mak, "Bapak dah tah ada ke mak". And mak again, calmly said, "Bapak dah kembali kepada Allah. Bawak kereta elok-elok. Tak payah kalut-kalut, macam mana pun Bapak dah tak ada". I felt like exploding with the news. I was sobbing, no other word came out from me. I was speechless when I finally turn the receiver off. Tears rolling. flowing down the cheek unstoppable. My husband cautioned me to remember Allah, to be patient. I took a deep breath, and sob again when I suddenly realized that none of Bapak's children were there to be with him during his last breath. There are six of us, Abang was in Kelantan on duty, Kak Nah in Rawang was getting ready to go back, Abang Man was in Bangi and was still unable to be contacted, Kak Yan in Trengganu, was about to leave the house, myself on the highway tailing by little brother, Din approximately half an hour drive behind us. Where are the kids???? When Allah promised it will not delay the death for even a second, the promise is true. As I always said, do the good deed to our parents when they are alive, as when the time they will be leaving us only ALLAH knows. There will not be enough time then.
Instead of slowing down, my husband press the pedal harder wishing to be back home as soon as possible. And, Alhamdulillah, we reached home safely before 1pm that day. Rushing to see, Bapak lying down helplessly. When I remove the piece of cloth that was used to cover his face, he looked very calm. So handsome. His eyes were tightly closed. His hair was short, the beard and mustache were nicely trimmed. I asked mak, and was told that he requested to go to the barber for a nice hair cut two days earlier (he was actually too weak to go).
A recollection of stories from Mak, K.Timah (my sister in-law), Mastura (my niece), Makcik Yam (Mak's best friend) and Abg Taufiq (my cousin) who at the bedside during Bapak's last breath concluded with the following:
4.36am: Mak called me, asking for my opinion.
5am: Kak Timah & Mastura took Bapak to the hospital
7 am: Mak reached the hospital with Mastura. Doctor put Bapak on sedative to reduce his pain.
Doctor decided for intubation later on.
Bapak's blood preassure (BP)'s dropping. Instead of intubation, they proceed with suction. The liquid that was sucked out is something pinky that proofs that its a mixture of multiple body fluid. The kidney is not performing its task anymore.
10.30am: Doctor decided to let Bapak go back home because Bapak's BP keeps on dropping (not a good sign).
Apprx 11.am: Bapak reached home in an ambulance. with Mak accompany.
11.40am: Bapak blew his last breath after 2 long breath.
My last encounter with Bapak was during my last visit to kampung last week. Bapak looked so delighted to see us. He came out of the room to greet us even though it was already 11.30pm. We had breakfast and lunch happily together. When it was time to go back to Shah Alam on Sunday, I kissed Bapak's forehead not knowing that its going to be the last time I will kiss him alive.
May Allah place Bapak together with all the mukminins. Amin.
I love you Bapak .... so dearly.
Leaving the house for the last time.
The final journey.
Entering Masjid Batu for the last time, where his heart and soul lies. Instead of praying there, we perform a prayer for him.
His final destination on earth. Where we will soon be too.
As one friend wrote a comforting note to me: "...You are the priceless princess to him. You are his everlasting treasure ...". I hope I was and I hope I will always be.
My tears keep rolling down ... Ya Allah ....